I am a 70-year-old Retired IT Professional and Academic, and I Can’t Figure This Out: Cooking With TechBro Tools!
I realized just today, whilst conversing with a fellow cook on a pudding recipe, that nothing in today’s techBro hellscape of online cooking shows, recipe websites, ChatGPT diatribes, or Google Translates that will help you cook anything edible, and I want to know why.
Why is it that with all these digital innovations and billions of no-interest dollars invested in the industry, one still cannot use a cooking tool online to make a simple pudding pop?
Well, I know the answer (tell me if I am wrong): the designers and CEOs of these tools and sites, could give a fuck about how your brownies brown, or your pudding pops. They don’t…
TechBros are here to make ROI, and not help you cook better bok choy.
So, when one realizes that you are a chef alone in the digital cooking world, really, outside of emailing friends and family for help or perhaps trying to use Siri as your “friend in the kitchen” what do you do?
Sidebar on Siri: She is a worse cook than you are. She can’t even open a cooking website and find a recipe for you. And if you ask her for a conversion from Celcius to Fahrenheit, expect to be directed to the book, Fahrenheit 451, which is a great Bradbury read but…OH SHIT, I JUST BURNED THE SOUP!
I’d say fuck the internet and just grab a copy of the best series of recipe books ever published, Betty Crocker’s cookbooks, but then I would have to go on eBay first, then enter in a credit card or sign-up for PayPal and wait a week, then return the book shipped; The Adventures of Huck Finn was sent instead, and then have my bank lock my account for suspicious activity… see where this all is leading — insanity, that’s where!
So stop it! Stop signing up to ten recipe websites to bake one loaf of bread (each time giving up your email and lord knows what else in the cookies that you bake for them), and just do things the old-fashioned way, as in the last 6000 years or so, by just cooking the way humans were intended to, over the fire, by experimenting with natural ingredients and having fun with food chemistry.
If you need a refresher course in food chemistry, well then AppleTV+ has provided something good to watch for a change, so head on over there with your credit card and watch Lessons in Chemistry. That’s a recipe that will help you more than anything you can find on Allrecipes.com.
Outside of that, there is nothing that can help you (without so much frustration, that your cake falls flat) as far as techBro tools go. Not even to boil water! For example, I have a kettle with an app that will never pair, regardless of the hours I’ve spent trying to boil something that should take two and a half minutes, tops.
You see folks, it’s just like what Google Translate says when trying to translate a German pudding package…Oh well, indeed.
For more techBro rants, please see my entire stack, as most of the posts are techBro-related or adjacent. TechBros Must Die! (tm)(r)©2023. And thx for taking the time to read my words, that is much appreciated in this day and age of payment-less writing :) I’ll be back soon with more but until then, please consider my other project, PIZZA FOR THE POOR, a real recipe for change!
Originally published at https://herojig.substack.com.
